For about two to three years I had a lump on the right side of my neck. It was kind of small, did not hurt or bother me, so I did not think anything of it. I had talked to my doctor about it and she said it was probably nothing to worry about, she was certain it was a swollen lymph node associated with allergies. I periodically experienced moments of hoarseness and soreness in my throat for which I usually got antibiotics. A thyroid sonogram and a radio uptake and scan were performed within a three-week span. The tests determined I had cold nodules on my lymph nodes (I later learned that meant cancer). The blood tests and scan determined my thyroid was functioning normally despite the nodules. My doctor sent for a biopsy twice, which could not be performed because of some missing paper work. I got fed up with the irresponsibility of my health care providers until 2009, when I received a new health insurance and began going to my sister’s primary care physician, Dr. Retsagi. He sent me to an ear, nose and throat doctor who did not take my insurance so I went with his colleague Dr. Lim instead. She immediately determined that the lump on my neck could be a swollen lymph node or, a “small” cancer. There was no doubt in my mind she must be crazy to think that I had cancer. But on March 24, 2009 the cytopathology report (samples of cells tested for cancer) revealed that my tests were positive for papillary carcinoma stage 1 (thyroid cancer).

The tears welled in my eyes as I stared at a stone cold-faced doctor telling me I had a “small” and very “treatable” cancer. We should schedule surgery at my earliest convenience, since there was no “rush”. What?! No rush to getting that monster out of my body as soon as possible, are you kidding me? I thought about telling my family, my friends, my boyfriend and it was just too much to bear. I had never been sick other than a common cold that lasted no more than a week, how was I going to deal with the pain of surgery, the recovery process. Did I need chemotherapy? She did not know the details of my case until they took samples of the removed thyroid. So the whole organ had to be removed? Yes, it was best to limit the chances of recurrence. Total thyroidectomy and right neck dissection to be performed on April 27, 2009, a month from the date of diagnosis. Oh God, why me? I can’t deal with this. Just kill me, don’t let me suffer like my grandmother, my aunt, my grandfather. So now what? I walked out of the doctors office in a daze, “do you want me to call somebody” she handed me a tissue before I left, “I have your sister’s number here as your emergency contact”. Yeah, sure my sister who has my eight-month old nephew in the hospital with a terrible cold and has been through enough to have to deal with my shit, call her I thought. “No, I’ll be fine,” I said, really wishing I would be. I walked the streets in a daze, tears falling uncontrollably, I didn’t care if people thought I was crazy they didn’t just hear that they had thyroid cancer. I went to the hospital with my sister and my nephew. He cried and I thought “you’re crying for the both of us, I wish I could scream as loud as you”.

Okay so now I need to tell work I need time off. I have to tell my superiors that I have cancer. I do, surprisingly don’t break down and I can do this. I’m going to be okay. This is all happening during lent, Jesus dies, and my grandfather has just passed. I find out I am going to Teacher’s College of Columbia University. Great! What was the point if I was probably going to die. The more I researched about thyroid cancer, the faster I fell into depression. The more scared and anxious I became. I made myself sick, and insane. I envied everyone who did not have to go through this pain. I wanted it to be over. April 10, 2009. My friend comes to visit from California. We are supposed to go out to have a nice time. My boyfriend is the DJ to the party, it is going to be fun. Until I have a breakdown. I did not want to go out that night, but I did because I desperately wanted to feel normal. “You don’t know what it’s like knowing you have this monster inside of you ready to eat you alive without mercy!” I yelled this and for once I accepted that I was not okay, I was very afraid of the uncertainty. Days later I cried in my mother’s arms like a baby. Visited Dr. Retsagi at least 15 times in the span of 3 weeks, felt like little critters were inside my body consuming all of me.

April 27, 2009. I wear my button down shirt, very small surgery, may be out same day. My family is all there. I feel loved and fortunate. They have to wait in the family room while I go in and wait for nurses to check me. The anesthesiologist speaks to me about the surgical process. A nice nurse tells me it is time. My family walks with me to operating room. I am not at all nervous, just happy to be removing the monster. Dr. Lim is my surgeon, which is great since I am comfortable with her. She is not stone-faced today but rather sympathetic and sweet. She puts a hand over my shoulder and tells me I am going to be fine. I trust her. My arms are out to the side, I am laid out staring at the bright lights. I feel closer to Jesus in this crucified state. The anesthesiologist tells me I am so tiny, she is crazy, has she seen my thighs? I was waiting for the countdown. Lights out… Mom, dad, hey guys it is you, I am up, I made it! Look at me and they said I would feel strange when I woke up. Woah, what are these things with blood hanging like breasts on my chest, oh yeah, the drainage. Mom and dad said I shouldn’t talk, doctors said it would not be good for my vocal cords since they are a little traumatized. They can’t be in the recovery room for too long so they leave. I don’t feel good. Friend and cousin come in next, I am not feeling too good. The anesthesia wears off, I feel sick. My sister and my boyfriend come in. Emotions, pain and nausea mean I cannot function. My sister tries to make a joke, and I cry, it hurts and you can’t help me! Don’t leave me I am scared. My sister fights the tears. They leave, I throw up. Dr. Retsagi comes to visit, wipes off the vomit from my lips, nice of him, he says he will see me in the morning. I thought I would be leaving tonight, I can’t because the parathyroid glands were also traumatized, and my calcium levels had dropped, I feel the tingling in my hands and face. My lips are dry so the nurse puts petroleum on them. How much longer until I get a room I ask? Soon the nurse leaves me I had already thrown up four times. I was sad she was leaving since she had taken such good care of me, but I was getting a room soon.

I am placed in a room. I kept looking at the clock. I had my rosary but I did not know how to pray it. I just held on to it and felt comforted. The clock was going by so slow. But I knew that at 6AM, Dr. Retsagi and Dr. Lim would come to see me. I had to look great even with the pain of my stiff and throbbing neck, the lightheadedness, and the soar throat. I sneezed and felt as if my head had come apart. I look at the mirror and see the scar, as well as the blood dripping from the drainage. I use the bathroom and need assistance so I have to call and wait for the nurse. It isn’t until moments like this that we realize how badly we need one another. The circulation device on my legs annoys me because of the constant beeping sound it makes. At 5AM the nurse finally removes them. I did not sleep a wink so I sit on the chair reading the magazines my coworkers had blessed me with. I fight the pain and the lack of comfort it takes to sit up this way. Dr. Retsagi says I will be sent home soon since he sees me so well. But Dr. Lim gives different orders. My calcium level is still low and I cannot leave until the liquid has drained from the scar. At 9AM I find my cell phone and look at my messages. I am annoyed I can’t speak and people take so long to text me back. My friends come in at about 12PM and all I want to do is chat with them, but it hurts to. I force myself to eat the gross hospital food, and drink my medicine. Despite my hate for milk, I drink it, number one source of calcium! My family comes in at about 3PM and at 5PM after my last check up they determine I can go home. I have to be on calcium supplements for life. My family tells the story of my father, nervous, passing gas, my boyfriend pacing back and forth in the family waiting room, surgery took longer than expected. They love me. Dr. Lim had told them I had more cancerous nodules she needed to remove. I pray she got it all. Now there is more waiting to do.