It is September and work begins… mornings are rough! I am so tired, and I try to go to bed early but it does not help. I feel drained when I go into work and I cannot control it. I get moody and depressed for no reason. I stare at the blank page when I am writing my first paper for the semester. Tears stream down my face. I feel worthless. What is happening to me? I do not know what to write. I feel numb to the world, like an insignificant particle floating in the Earth. I am crying because I am crying. Upset at my upset when I should be smiling at the mere fact that I am alive. My hands type some words I am certain would get me an F, but it is the best I can do and I am happy that I was even able to complete it. At work I feel aimless trying my best to hide the pain and anguish. The smiling faces of the children brighten up my days but seeing the young child with cancer makes me feel ashamed of the hurt I feel. She is tiny yet strong, facing chemo and God knows what else, I would take all the strife if it meant she did not have to suffer anymore. My birthday arrives, September 28, 2009, my endocrine visit states my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was in fact low and hence Dr. Barandes increased my levothyroxine dosage to 137mg, a thyroid sonogram determines everything looks good (no pesky nodules in sight, thank God!). My sister and boyfriend, although mostly my sister, who loves to plan parties, (I admire her resilience), set up a beautiful surprise party and all of my family and friends attended. I was so happy and know I could not have asked for more.
During the summer I had experienced some terrible neck and back pain as well as some numbness on my right arm. Dr. Retsagi sent me to an orthopedic doctor who performed an EMG and nerve conduction study. The results were radiculopathy, which is similar to a pinched nerve usually located in the lower back and neck area. The doctors could not tell me if it developed because of the immobilization of the neck during the rehabilitation after surgery, although it seems to be the case since the symptoms came then. October and November were busy times bouncing around to physical therapy, the social worker, and other doctor appointments; as well as trying to emerge out of hypo. I felt better, a little bit more energy each day and getting adjusted to the school, work, family, boyfriend, friends schedule. My boyfriend and I both stressed about circumstances take a trip on a big old roller-coaster ride that nearly ends an eight-year relationship built with so much hard work and love. Christmas is depressing until he takes me Christmas shopping for my family. It was not about the gifts but about the love I put into getting things for others. I receive my final grades on papers and it is not the grades that matter but the comments made by the instructors. I wish they knew how much I needed to feel like my input was valuable. I am so hard on myself and I know it is something I will struggle with for life. Cancer made me reevaluate things. Luckily, I adjust well to change. I am so ready to say goodbye to 2009!
